[4고급] Abuse: Domestic Abuse  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Abuse	Domestic Abuse
학대	가정 폭력
	As a church leader, what do I do when one spouse claims there is abuse
	교회 지도자로서, 한 배우자가 학대가 있다고 주장하고 어떻게 해야 할까요?
and the other spouse denies it?	I think that's a wonderful question.
다른 배우자는 부인할 때	훌륭한 질문이라고 생각합니다.
For one, it tells me	the person understands
우선, 이 질문은 보여줍니다.	그 사람이 이해하고 있다는 것을
the seriousness of what they're looking at.	They have a marriage
자신이 보고 있는 문제의 심각성을	그들은 결혼 생활 속에서
that they are trying to discern	what is happening,
분별하려고 노력하고 있으며,	무슨 일이 일어나고 있는지
and it's really critical	that they answer that question well.
정말 중요합니다.	그 질문에 잘 답하는 것이
They don't want to say something	is abusive or label it as such
그들은 원하지 않습니다.	학대라고 말하거나 학대라고 낙인찍기를
when it is not,	that does damage,
실제로는 그렇지 않은데	피해를 끼치지만,
but it's also damaging to a victim	if abuse is missed
피해자에게도 해로운 것이 된다	그렇게 말하는 것은 학대가 아닌데도
or it's failed to be identified.	And so it's really important
구별되지 않으면	그래서 정말 중요하다
that people are wise and seek	to answer this question well.
따라서 사람들이 지혜롭게  노력하는 것이	이 질문에 잘 답하려고
And so I just really want to encourage people	to know that there is really only one truth
저는 사람들에게 알기를 진심으로 바랍니다.	진실은 오직 하나뿐이며,
and God does not want to hide that from us.	Now each person is going to tell you
하나님은 그것을 우리에게 숨기고 싶어 하지 않으신다는 것을	이제 각 사람은 여러분에게 말할 것입니다.
a different series of events.	And even if both people were seeking to be honest,
서로 다른 일련의 사건들을	두 사람 모두 정직하려고 노력한다 하더라도,
neither person is going to be recounting every detail	or interpreting every event
어느 누구도 모든 세부 사항을 이야기하거나	모든 사건을 해석하지는 않을 것입니다.
in a way that is 100% accurate.	We just know that is true
100% 정확하게	우리는 그것이 진실이라는 것을 알고 있습니다.
about the human heart.	We know that's true
인간의 마음에 대한	우리는 또한 그것이 진실이라는 것을 알고 있습니다.
about conflict	and that's true of us
갈등에 대해서도	우리의 진짜 모습이라는 것을
in our daily lives.
일상생활에서도
But we also want to recognize	there's something broader at play
하지만 우리는 또한 인식하고 싶어합니다.	더 광범위한 무언가가 작용하고 있다는 것을
if oppression is occurring.	Because a person who is oppressive
억압이 발생할 때	왜냐하면 억압적인 사람은
is going to be very skilled	at blame-shifting and deceiving you,
매우 능숙할 것이기 때문입니다.	당신을 비난하고 속이는 데
and we want to be alert to that	and on guard for that.
우리는 그 점에 경계해야 합니다.	또 주의를 기울여야 합니다.
And victims, due to the nature of their own trauma,	they tend to tell stories
그리고 피해자들은 자신의 트라우마의 특성 때문에	이야기를 하거나
in scattered ways,	or some confessing that they're not sure
산발적으로	고백하는 경향이 있습니다.
that they're remembering everything right.	Even as they're telling you
모든 것을 제대로 기억하고 있는지 확신하지 못한다고	자신의 세상에서  이야기하는 동안에도
what's going on in their own world,	their own confusion is coming across.
무슨 일이 일어나고 있는지	그들 자신의 혼란이 드러납니다.
And that might impact your ability	to have confidence
그리고 그것은 능력에 영향을 미칠 수 있습니다.	자신감을 갖게 하는
in what they are telling you.	And so there's just so many relational dynamics
그들이 당신에게 하는 말에 대해	그리고 관계적 역학이 너무나 많습니다.
that make getting at the truth difficult.	So you're going to have to be discerning.
진실에 도달하기 어렵게 만드는	그래서 당신은 분별력을 가져야 합니다.
	You are tasked with discerning
	당신은 분별하는 임무를 가지고 있습니다.
if abuse is present.	It’s a serious task,
학대가 있는지	그것은 심각한 일이며,
and we don't want to err	in either direction.
우리는 잘못하고 싶지 않습니다.	어느 쪽이든
So yeah, I just want to encourage you,	it's okay to go slow.
그래서 저는 당신에게 격려하고 싶습니다.	천천히 나아가도 괜찮습니다.
When people are disclosing abuse,	chances are you are not going to have
사람들이 학대 사실을 털어놓을 때,	당신은 가능성이 높습니다.
a good conceptualization	of what's going on
바로 제대로 파악하지 못할	무슨 일이 일어나고 있는지
in that marriage right away.	It could take weeks,
그 결혼 생활에서	몇 주가 걸릴 수도 있습니다.
sometimes even months,	to really understand what's happening.
때로는 몇 달이	무슨 일이 일어나고 있는지 진정으로 이해하려면
So let time be your friend.	Don't feel pressure
그러니 시간을 당신의 친구로 삼으세요.	압박감을 느끼지 마세요.
to have to make an assessment immediately.	Recognize that victims might be afraid to trust you.
즉시 평가를 해야 한다는	피해자들이 당신을 믿기를 두려워할 수도 있다는 것을 인식하세요.
You might not get the whole story	from them right away.
당신은 모든 이야기를 바로 듣지 못할 수도 있습니다.	그들에게서 바로
And so I've seen that impact many pastors.	I remember
그래서 저는 많은 목회자들이 그런 영향을 받는 것을 보았습니다.	저는 기억합니다.
one pastor called me	and said a woman
어떤 목사님께서 제게 전화를 걸어	한 여성에 대해서
that he had been counseling	for three months
그가 상담을 해 온	3개월 동안
just recently told him	that her husband had locked her
최근에 그에게 말했다고	남편이 자신을 가두었다고 말했다는 것을 기억합니다.
in the basement.	And he thought
지하실에	목사님은 생각했습니다.
that the fact that she was revealing this	three months later
그녀가 이 사실을 털어놓는다는 것은	3개월 후에서나
meant that she was now beginning	to make things up
그녀가 시작했다는 것을 의미한다고	사실을 꾸며내기
so that he would believe her.	And he just felt like,
자신을 믿게 하려고	그리고 그는 이렇게 생각했습니다.
“Why would she be giving me new information now	if it was the truth?
왜 지금 와서 새로운 정보를 주는 거지?	그것이 진실이라면
This should have been told to me	at the inception of our counseling.”
이 이야기를 했어야지.	상담을 시작할 때부터
And I just really wanted to encourage him	that she was probably afraid to trust you.
저는 그 목사님께 진심으로 격려의 말씀을 드리고 싶었습니다.	그녀는 아마 당신을 믿기를 두려워했을 것이라고
She wasn't ready to share you	with that detail.
그렇게  준비가 되어 있지 않았던 겁니다.	자세한 이야기를 나눌
And so oftentimes, victims take time	to reveal parts of their story to you.
그리고 피해자들은 종종 시간이 걸립니다.	자신의 이야기의 일부를 당신에게 털어놓는 데
And so it's okay	if you're getting new details.
그러니 괜찮습니다.	새로운 이야기를 듣는 것은
Don't let that discredit	or undermine a person's truthfulness.
그것 때문에 상대방의 진실성이 훼손되거나	불신받지 않도록 하세요.
It's actually	that they're starting to trust you,
사실, 시작했다는 것입니다.	그들이 당신을 신뢰하고
that they're able to share	with you more.
공유할 수 있게 된 것입니다.	당신과 더 많이
	Also, victims don't present
	또한 피해자들은
in a way that's confident.	They're not certain
자신감 있는 모습을 보이지 않습니다.	자신의 현실을 확신하지 못하죠.
of their reality, right?	One of the things their oppressor is telling them is
그렇지 않나요?	억압자가 그들에게 하는 말 중 하나는 다음과 같습니다.
“You don't remember things correctly,”	“These things are your fault,”
너는 모든 걸 제대로 기억하지 못해.	이런 일들은 네 잘못이야.
“I've never said that.”	So they're often doubting themselves.
난 그런 말 한 적 없어.	그래서 그들은 종종 스스로를 의심합니다.
And that's really difficult	if you're trying to discern
그리고 그건 정말 어렵습니다.	분별하려고 할 때,
who's telling the truth,	if one person is appearing very confident
누가 진실을 말하는지	한 사람은 매우 자신감 있어 보이고
and the other person is looking unconfident.	So that affects how we make assessments.
다른 사람은 자신감 없어 보일 때 말입니다.	그래서 우리가 평가를 내리는 방식에 영향을 미칩니다.
	I think
	저는
it's just really important to remember	that God knows
기억하는 것이 정말 중요하다고 생각합니다.	하나님이 당신을 알고
and is eager to guide you.	He knows
인도해 주시기를 간절히 바라신다는 것을	하나님은  알고 계십니다.
what's happening	in that home.
무슨 일이 일어나고 있는지	그 집에서
He knows the truth.	Abuse happens
그분은 진실을 알고 계십니다.	학대는 일어난다는 것을
behind closed doors	out of our sight purposefully
닫힌 문 뒤에서	의도적으로 우리 눈에서 벗어나
when we don't see it.	But the Lord does know
우리가 보지 못할 때	하지만 주님은 알고
and he wants to help you.	James tells us,
당신을 돕고 싶어하십니다.	야고보는 우리에게 말합니다.
if any of you lacks wisdom,	you should ask God
누구든지 지혜가 부족하면	하나님께 구하십시오.
who gives generously.	He gives it generously to us.
후히 주시는	그분은 우리에게 후히 주십니다.
And so I think	that's just a helpful reminder
그래서 저는	이것이 도움이 되는 일깨움이라고 생각합니다.
that you just want to be praying, asking the Lord	to reveal things to you,
당신은 그저 기도하고, 주님께	당신에게 무언가를 알려달라고 구해야 합니다.
that you are not in this alone,	and that God does not want things
당신은 이 일을 혼자 겪고 있는 것이 아니며,	하나님은  원치 않으십니다.
done in secret	that are evil and harmful to remain in secret.
은밀하게 행해지는	악하고 해로운 일들이 은밀하게 남아 있기를
He wants them to be exposed	and he will help you do that.
하나님은 그것들이 드러나기를 원하시고	그분은 당신이 그렇게 할 수 있도록 도와주실 것입니다.
	So there's just some basic things, ways
	몇 가지 기본적인 사항과 방법이 있지만,
to think about when people are disclosing	their stories to you,
사람들이 털어놓을 때 고려해야 할	당신에게 자신의 이야기를
but there's also certain things	you want to look for
몇 가지 사항도 있습니다.	꼭 살펴봐야 할
when you're interacting	with the people directly.
당신이 소통할 때	그 사람들과 직접
Usually a victim is the one who is more fearful.	They're going to be readily confessing their sins.
보통 피해자는 더 두려워합니다.	그들은 자신의 죄를 쉽게 고백할 것입니다.
If they've harmed their spouse	or done something wrong
배우자에게 해를 끼쳤거나	잘못을 저질렀거나
or said a curse word even,	they're probably going to come in
심지어 욕설을 했다면	아마도 당신에게
and confess that right away to you.	While the other spouse,
직접 고백할 것입니다.	반면에, 다른
the one who is oppressive,	is going to be blame-shifting.
압제적인 배우자는	책임을 전가할 것입니다.
They're going to be demanding things	from you.
그들은 무언가를 요구할 것입니다.	당신에게
They're going to be trying	to control the process.
그들은 노력 할 것입니다.	과정을 통제하려고
So they present very differently,	and I think that's really helpful.
그래서 그들은 매우 다르게 표현하는데,	저는 그것이 정말 도움이 된다고 생각합니다.
Victims are going to be afraid	for you to confront their oppressors.
피해자들은 두려워할 것입니다.	당신이 압제자에게 맞서는 것을
People who are abusive often claim	that their spouses the abusive one,
학대하는 사람들은 종종	배우자가 학대하는 사람이라고 주장하지만,
but they're going to come to you and say,	“My spouse is out of control.
그들은 당신에게 와서 이렇게 말할 것입니다.	제 배우자는 통제 불능이에요.
I need you to do this with them.	They're harming me in this way.”
당신이 그들을 좀 다뤄줬으면 좋겠어요.	그들은 저에게 이런 식으로 해를 끼치고 있어요.
They're going to be very directive, very confident.	They're not afraid of being punished
그들은 매우 지시적이고 자신감 넘칠 것입니다.	비난을 받는 것을 두려워하지 않습니다.
by their spouse,	where the truly abused spouse is going to be.
자신의 배우자로부터	그러면 정말로 학대받는 배우자가 생길 것입니다.
So I think that's just a helpful thing to be alert to.
그래서 저는 이것이 주의를 기울이는 것이 도움이 된다고 생각합니다.
Another one is that you want to look at	what is motivating certain behaviors.
또 다른 방법은	특정 행동의 동기를 파악하는 것입니다.
As you're talking to people,	you're going to find out
사람들과 이야기하면서	알게 될 것입니다.
what's happening in their marriage.	You're going to hear details
그들의 결혼 생활에서 무슨 일이 일어나고 있는지	세부 사항들을 들을 것입니다.
that might be confusing to you.	Maybe one spouse pushed another one
당신에게는 혼란스러울 수 있는	한 배우자가 다른 배우자를 밀쳤을 수도 있습니다.
out of the way,	and you have to decide,
쓰러지도록	그때 당신은 결정해야 합니다.
was that an act	where they were resisting being abused,
그것은 행동이었을까요?	학대에 저항하는
where they were being trapped in a room	and they pushed someone out of the way?
방에 갇혀 있던	누군가를 밀쳐내는
Or is that physical act a way to control their spouse?	Sometimes we get confused
아니면 배우자를 통제하기 위한 방법이었을까요?	때때로 우리는 혼란스러워합니다.
because in the midst of an argument of victim	behaves badly.
피해자와의 논쟁 중에 행동하기 때문입니다.	매우 부정하게
So we want to slow down	and find out what was happening
그래서 우리는 속도를 늦추고	무슨 일이 일어났는지 알아내고 싶어합니다.
in that room.
그 방에서
Another thing is you're going to be wanting	to looking for patterns of coercive control,
또 다른 것은	강제적 통제의 패턴을 찾고 싶어 한다는 것입니다.
which means you're going to be asking	probably dozens and dozens of questions
즉, 노력해야 합니다.	아마도 수십 개의 질문을 하고
and extracting lots of details	and asking for clarification,
많은 세부 사항을 추출하고	명확히 해달라고 요청하고
and trying to really get a sense of	what arguments look like.
진정으로 파악하려고	어떤 논쟁인지
What does it look like	when people are together?
어떤 모습일까요?	사람들이 함께 있을 때
And that takes time.	And again, that just goes back
그리고 시간이 걸립니다.	그리고 다시 말하지만, 그것은 돌아갑니다.
to the principle of being slow.	But patterns of coercive control—
느리게 행동하는 원칙으로	하지만 강압적인 통제의 패턴은,
if someone's coercively controlling,	it's going to show up
누군가가 강압적으로 통제한다면,	그것은 분명히 드러날 것입니다.
and let that be a source of life to you.	Write it down.
그리고 그것이 당신에게 삶의 원천이 되게 하십시오.	그것을 적어 두십시오.
Put it on your walls.	Ask the people
벽에 붙이십시오.	그것을 아는 사람들에게
who know to speak it to you.	Come to it as often as you need to.
그것을 말해 달라고 부탁하십시오.	필요할 때마다 자주 그 말씀을 들으십시오.
And for the times	you are too weak to cling to it,
그리고 때때로	너무 약해서 그것에 매달릴 수 없을 때,
I pray that the Spirit reminds you	that he is clinging to you
상기시켜 주시기를 기도합니다.	성령께서 당신에게 매달리고 있으며
and he won't let you go.
당신을 놓아주지 않을 것임을

     

Transcript

I  think that's a wonderful question. For one, it tells me the person  understands the seriousness of what they're looking at. They have a  marriage that they are trying to discern what is happening, and it's  really critical that they answer that question well. They don't want to  say something is abusive or label it as such when it is not, that does  damage, but it's also damaging to a victim if abuse is missed or it's  failed to be identified. And so it's really important that people are  wise and seek to answer this question well. And so I just really want to  encourage people to know that there is really only one truth and God  does not want to hide that from us. Now each person is going to tell you  a different series of events. And even if both people were seeking to  be honest, neither person is going to be recounting every detail or  interpreting every event in a way that is 100% accurate. We just know  that is true about the human heart. We know that's true about conflict  and that's true of us in our daily lives.

But  we also want to recognize there's something broader at play if  oppression is occurring. Because a person who is oppressive is going to  be very skilled at blame-shifting and deceiving you, and we want to be  alert to that and on guard for that. And victims, due to the nature of  their own trauma, they tend to tell stories in scattered ways, or some  confessing that they're not sure that they're remembering everything  right. Even as they're telling you what's going on in their own world,  their own confusion is coming across. And that might impact your ability  to have confidence in what they are telling you. And so there's just so  many relational dynamics that make getting at the truth difficult. So  you're going to have to be discerning.

You  are tasked with discerning if abuse is present. It’s a serious task,  and we don't want to err in either direction. So yeah, I just want to  encourage you, it's okay to go slow. When people are disclosing abuse,  chances are you are not going to have a good conceptualization of what's  going on in that marriage right away. It could take weeks, sometimes  even months, to really understand what's happening. So let time be your  friend. Don't feel pressure to have to make an assessment immediately.  Recognize that victims might be afraid to trust you. You might not get  the whole story from them right away. And so I've seen that impact many  pastors. I remember one pastor called me and said a woman that he had  been counseling for three months just recently told him that her husband  had locked her in the basement. And he thought that the fact that she  was revealing this three months later meant that she was now beginning  to make things up so that he would believe her. And he just felt like,  “Why would she be giving me new information now if it was the truth?  This should have been told to me at the inception of our counseling.”  And I just really wanted to encourage him that she was probably afraid  to trust you. She wasn't ready to share you with that detail. And so  oftentimes, victims take time to reveal parts of their story to you. And  so it's okay if you're getting new details. Don't let that discredit or  undermine a person's truthfulness. It's actually that they're starting  to trust you, that they're able to share with you more.

Also,  victims don't present in a way that's confident. They're not certain of  their reality, right? One of the things their oppressor is telling them  is “You don't remember things correctly,” “These things are your  fault,” “I've never said that.” So they're often doubting themselves.  And that's really difficult if you're trying to discern who's telling  the truth, if one person is appearing very confident and the other  person is looking unconfident. So that affects how we make assessments.

I  think it's just really important to remember that God knows and is  eager to guide you. He knows what's happening in that home. He knows the  truth. Abuse happens behind closed doors out of our sight purposefully  when we don't see it. But the Lord does know and he wants to help you.  James tells us, if any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God who gives  generously. He gives it generously to us. And so I think that's just a  helpful reminder that you just want to be praying, asking the Lord to  reveal things to you, that you are not in this alone, and that God does  not want things done in secret that are evil and harmful to remain in  secret. He wants them to be exposed and he will help you do that.

So  there's just some basic things, ways to think about when people are  disclosing their stories to you, but there's also certain things you  want to look for when you're interacting with the people directly.  Usually a victim is the one who is more fearful. They're going to be  readily confessing their sins. If they've harmed their spouse or done  something wrong or said a curse word even, they're probably going to  come in and confess that right away to you. While the other spouse, the  one who is oppressive, is going to be blame-shifting. They're going to  be demanding things from you. They're going to be trying to control the  process. So they present very differently, and I think that's really  helpful. Victims are going to be afraid for you to confront their  oppressors. People who are abusive often claim that their spouses the  abusive one, but they're going to come to you and say, “My spouse is out  of control. I need you to do this with them. They're harming me in this  way.” They're going to be very directive, very confident. They're not  afraid of being punished by their spouse, where the truly abused spouse  is going to be. So I think that's just a helpful thing to be alert to.

Another  one is that you want to look at what is motivating certain behaviors.  As you're talking to people, you're going to find out what's happening  in their marriage. You're going to hear details that might be confusing  to you. Maybe one spouse pushed another one out of the way, and you have  to decide, was that an act where they were resisting being abused,  where they were being trapped in a room and they pushed someone out of  the way? Or is that physical act a way to control their spouse?  Sometimes we get confused because in the midst of an argument of victim  behaves badly. So we want to slow down and find out what was happening  in that room.

Another  thing is you're going to be wanting to looking for patterns of coercive  control, which means you're going to be asking probably dozens and  dozens of questions and extracting lots of details and asking for  clarification, and trying to really get a sense of what arguments look  like. What does it look like when people are together? And that takes  time. And again, that just goes back to the principle of being slow. But  patterns of coercive control—if someone's coercively controlling, it's  going to show up in all sorts of places, so you want to be asking all  sorts of questions.

Then  finally, I just want to encourage you that you don't have to label  something as abuse to address sin, right? If you uncover sin, it's okay  that you address it. We want to take all sin seriously. However, when  we're suspecting that there might be abuse present, we just want to take  the extra measure to provide for safety in case abuse is there, but we  don't have to label something as abuse to address sin or to protect  someone we fear might be being harmed.

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